Dear Humans: My name is Kelton. My best friends, Moffett and Brinley, and I are taking over for our (human) mom this month. Mom is always writing about us and telling people how awesome we are. Sometimes she even interviews us and writes down our conversations. The other day she was trying to write a new article while we were all on the couch together. But then she started grumbling about what a distraction we were being.
The three of us were just minding our own business tearing holes in the layers of sheets and blankets she put us on. Frankly, she was distracting us! She kept trying to stop us and said the word naughty over and over. Not sure what that means exactly, but she seemed grouchy.
She didn’t understand that the new sheet she put on top had absolutely no holes in it! It was like some barrier or something. How did she expect us to get under it without at least one large hole?
We finally managed to get through the sheet, but then Mom ruined our nap and said we had to go back to our cage. That got us thinking about all the weird things you humans do. You would all benefit from us giving the advice this month. It may help you better understand the rats you live with.
The following is our list of instructions from a rat’s perspective, with photos from rat friends to demonstrate.
Discover The Joys Of Holes And Freed Stuffing
We find some of your decorating choices puzzling. For instance, you don’t like to have holes in anything! It’s why we help you out and make a few for you. You’re welcome, by the way. Don’t you know that holes are all the rage?
And all the stuffing is STILL in your couch and pillows! Again, unless we freed it for you (and again, you’re welcome). What good is the stuffing doing you, under all that material? If only you knew how fun it is to burrow through and sleep in.
Seriously, grab some scissors (because your teeth aren’t as strong as ours) and give your furniture a makeover rat-style! Then let us help you dig the stuffing out, because we don’t trust you to do it correctly.
Save Yourself Time
We commend you on the piles of stuff collecting around the house when you don’t have company over. We also like to make piles of things in our cage. But we don’t understand why you hide that stuff when someone comes over (unless they are thieves). You would have a lot more time in your life if you just left your house arranged the way you had it rather than spending extra time cleaning it. In fact, we’d have a lot more time in our own lives if you humans stopped forcing us to rearrange things every time you insist on cleaning our cage. I mean, we had things the way we liked them. But we digress.
The only things that should be hidden away behind doors or in cubbies are your favored treasures or snacks that you don’t want taken. I guess you could write your name on things (since you have thumbs and all) but nothing really says, “MINE!” like peeing on it.
Reassess Body Image
You humans seem overly concerned about putting on weight. Yet we’ve noticed that the squishier we get, the more belly kisses we receive. I know we sometimes push away your face when you’re giving kisses, but we’re just playing hard to get.
We’ve also overheard people squealing about other types of animals, saying how “cute and chubby” they are. Which is why it’s confusing that Mom makes us eat healthy but secretly loves animal flub. It’s almost like you humans have one standard for your species, and a completely different standard for any others.
But did you know that it’s super comfortable to lay on each other (and you) when there’s more squish going on? It’s certainly why Mom is so comfortable to lie on.
But we also know that your snacking (not ours) should be done in moderation. And that’s why we steal food out of your hands or mouth and eat it ourselves. We do this because we care. We are nothing if not selfless. Which is why we are happy to eat all your leftovers as well.
Get Your Nap On!
Let’s discuss sleep. We’ve noticed that none of you get enough of it. Most of you only sleep once a day and then complain about being tired. Have you thought about napping in the morning and the middle of the day, too? Or right after dinner?
Consider Adding Sleep Spots
Maybe you don’t sleep as much as we do because you don’t have enough beds. You humans seem to have a ton more house space to work with than we do. Yet for some reason you only have one bed tucked away in a back room. Who says you can’t sleep in your bathroom or kitchen, too? We sleep there. We sleep anywhere we want, whenever we want!
We suggest you invest in some hammocks. You could easily string one up under your cabinets, above your counter, or in a shower. And try popping a tent up in your living room for a nice, dark hideaway. For extra coziness and warmth, make sure to add some of those hole-free sheets and blankets you all seem to love. We will share some of the toilet paper, tissues, or paper towels that you’re always giving us. We’re willing to shred it for you, too, for added fluffiness. See, selfless!
Clean Yourself Like A Rat
We would like to politely suggest that you all consider taking a few more baths. Many of you take, what, one a day? Maybe one every two days? We do understand how distressing running water can be, but we’re pretty sure that you have tongues just like us. So, use them! You really have no excuse to NOT clean yourself multiple times a day.
Being the kind rats that we are, though, we are willing to help you out. I personally try to clean my mom’s fingers for her regularly — even if she doesn’t always thank me.
Follow The Rat Way
We could give more advice, but Moffett says he hears Mom coming. We need to wrap this up.
You all know how smart we rats are. If we’re chewing holes in your furniture, or clothes for that matter (trust me they do look better that way), or we’re taking your food and grooming you, it’s only because we care. And — our way is better than yours.
Sincerely, The Boys (Kelton, Moffett, and Brinley)